WTF: Kayneth Summons
by PandaNoodles
Summary: After forcing Diarmuid to commit suicide and besmirching the honour of his loyal servant, Kayneth finds himself reliving the night of the summoning. Until he learns to appreciate his servants, he shall be stuck in this meaningless time-loop, faced with ridiculous Heroic Spirits ranging from a colourful horse to a sentient tea pot. Rated M for (potentially excessive) swearing.
1. Prologue

Kayneth Archibald remembered begging for his death.

He also remembered the red spark that flickered and dimmed from the back of his hand when he ordered the death of his own servant, Diarmuid O'Dyna. When the command seal faded, and Kiritsugu handed him Sola-Ui's frail body, he told himself that Lancer didn't matter—he was just a ghost, but Sola-Ui—she was real. She was real and she was alive.

He distanced himself from the knight's rage, avoiding to look at the flaming red spear that impaled him, right through the heart: a sure, fatal blow. How he roared, and screamed—of condemnation, his words fell heavy onto the ground, shattering into pieces. It didn't matter, Kayneth told himself. None of it mattered.

That was when the bullet came. Not one, but two. Was there a third one? Kayneth lost count, or could not bear to remember the number. He lost grip of Sola-Ui—she fell onto the ground with a thud. Dead. He crawled. The bullet inside his flesh ate him alive. He crawled towards Kiritsugu and begged for mercy. None of it mattered now. Nothing mattered. Nothing.

Then Saber's sword came. And then there was darkness. Sweet, sweet darkness.

And he drifted.

Kayneth was not one who pondered on the afterlife. He was a mage, the proud head of the Archibald family, the ninth of its name. When he was alive, he sought status, and glory—and then he sought the Grail, and oh, to have the King of Conquest stolen from him, _to have the war stolen from him_ —suddenly, he felt a pang of anger. And then, there was Sola-Ui. That cruel woman who tortured him and broke his finger one by one without blinking.

But perhaps, the cruelest thing was that he could not stop loving her.

And he drifted.

He could no longer feel pain, no longer feel his body. It didn't matter— _it's over now._

It didn't matter.

When he opened his eyes again, sinking into his weight, sinking into his body, he realized that he stood before the circle of summoning, and it shone red, and then he felt its power, and from memory, he expected to see Diarmuid once more, kneeling before him, pledging his loyalty and service.

But what emerged and greeted him from the summoning circle was not what he expected at all.

A soft hello. After an explosion of blinding light.

Then, gingerly, a panda with a red checkered scarf stepped forward, a whimsical circus waltz trailing behind its form. It crawled towards him, ever so slowly—the whole scene surreal and uncanny. One of its paws, Kayneth noticed, held onto a bowl of noodles. The noodles were thick, topped with diced vegetables, neatly shaped tofu and smelled of steamy soy sauce. It wasn't the kind of food that appealed to him. Kayneth lived the extravagant life of a noble, and preferred high dining, and when he was alive, he had never—

 _He died._

The words began ringing in his head. He rubbed his eyes, his fingers digging into his sockets, as if the pressure would help him make sense of it all. He died. Kiritsugu had killed him. _He killed Sola-Ui._

An insurmountable anger rose, the heat clouding his vision.

Then the panda spoke with a dazzling voice.

"Hello there, Kayneth El-Melloi Archibald."

Kayneth stared at the panda as it continued.

"You, Kayneth El-Melloi Archibald, are charged with the heartless murder of the beloved, charming, wonderful, unprecedentedly handsome Diarmuid O'Dyna, and will remain in this karmic entrapment until you have transcended your foolish patterns and mended your ways. This Author has spoken."

 _Diarmuid O'Dyna—curse him. Unprecedentedly handsome? He stole Sola-Ui. He stole her from me._

"You will relive the night of the summoning, the night that started it all. You shall endure mesmerizing nonsense, picturesque ridicule, and delightful humiliation. You will learn from your mistakes and walk the Right Path, the True Path—and that is the path of humility."

The panda nodded with solemnity and finality. "This Author has spoken."

And then, there was a profoundly awkward, energetically charged silence that fattened like a ballooning elephant and clogged the room.

The words that Kayneth managed to squeeze through his gritted teeth were:

 _"What the actual fuck_?"

The panda smiled. Then it started laughing uncontrollably—the soup in its noodle bowl swished about dangerously. It laughed. It laughed and laughed and laughed—until the room shook and melted away with its maniacal laughter.

And Kayneth found himself floating upwards, and he drifted once more.

* * *

Hi guys! So I decided to have a go at absurdist humour by putting Kayneth Archibald through a shitload of ridiculous nonsense-*evil laugh*. This will be a running "gag" or "crack" fiction mostly for the lol's + a deeper exploration of Kayneth's character. I will also be incorporating some "meta" elements in the storytelling, so expect to see more of my "cameos". Did you figure out who that panda was? Ahahaha

Anyways. This is mostly a story I'm going to be writing for fun, but I would love hear what you think! 3 Also, suggestions or requests for what he will summon next are welcomed. ;)

-PandaNoodles


	2. Ch 1: Solanum Tuberosum

Kayneth once again found himself standing before the summoning circle. The familiar scene confused him, and after a brief moment of disorientation—he began to recall what had happened: there was…a panda holding a bowl of noodles. A panda. Bowl of noodles.

The sheer idiocy and absurdity of it threw him off even more, and instantaneously he felt someone pinching his cheek as if to pull his face off. His skin stretched to an impossible length and he could swear that, for a fraction of a second, there was a furry panda bear paw in the corner of his eye.

But that sensation soon subsided. The invisible hand—or paw—released his face and he rubbed his throbbing right cheek with a grunt. Where was he? He was standing before the summoning circle, so that meant he was in the Holy Grail War. The Holy Grail War took place in Fuyuki City…yes. He flew to the City of Fuyuki in preparation for the war. His fiancé, Sola-Ui—

His thoughts came to an abrupt halt as he saw the red haired woman, tumbling out of his lap, her arms failing slightly before falling onto the ground with a thud. He reached out to hold her hand, only to find that one of her hands had been brutally severed.

Kayneth choked from the impact of his memories as he struggled to make sense of everything.

 _He died._ He was supposed to be dead. What did the panda say? Something about karmic entrapment…and something about Diarmuid…?

 _You, Kayneth El-Melloi Archibald, are charged with the heartless murder of the beloved, charming, wonderful, unprecedentedly handsome Diarmuid O'Dyna._

He repeated those words, bitterly mimicking the forlorn intonations of the panda. The name Diarmuid tasted sour on his tongue. Yes…Diarmuid. That bastard knight yammering about honour. _Chivalry is dead, ha!_ His promises meant nothing. His knighthood meant nothing. He could not protect Sola-Ui, and he could not protect his master. What good was he as a knight? Useless. Fucking useless. That final spear in the heart served him right.

The summoning circle glowed, and Kayneth turned his attention towards the six-pointed star that shone brighter and brighter. A gust of wind picked up, followed by a dramatic puff of smoke. His old sentiments came flooding back: the excitement for the Grail War, the anticipation, the promise of glory—he still wasn't sure exactly what was going on, but his blood, the blood of a magus, felt the magic that pulsed through the air and started to sing. So be it. Let the summoning be completed. He shall assume command of the Servant that would soon appear before him.

When the light subsided, Kayneth first felt an overwhelming shock, and then he felt as if he'd been slapped in the face.

There was nothing in the summoning circle—well, in the centre, there was a small brown chunky figure, and Kayneth couldn't really tell what it was. And then it dawned on him.

As the head of the prestigious and renowned Archibald family approached the Servant he summoned, he saw a potato. The pristine vegetable was of a golden brown hue, a singular sprout poked its head out and twitched confidently. While it was not abnormally gargantuan, the potato was sizable enough to weigh down with the kind of authority that was unique to a tuberous crop.

 _Solanum Tuberosum._ Wordlessly the potato named itself, speaking to Kayneth as they became connected through the command seal. Kayneth picked up the _potato_ —

 _Solanum Tuberosum_ , the vegetable promptly corrected, its tone chiding.

—the solanum tuberosum, or whatever the fuck it claimed to be.

Kayneth felt another excruciating pinch on his cheek; the same side that was pinched before.

"What is the meaning of this?" he threw the poor Solanum Tuberosum against the wall of his hotel room. Right, that was where he was. He planned to live here with Sola-Ui while the Grail War commenced, buying out the floor below him to set up traps, portals, and deadly creatures to challenge his enemies. Sola-Ui—

He shook his head, the memories confusing him once more. Solanum Tuberosum vibrated furiously, tumbling its way back to Kayneth's feet, rolling itself over so Kayneth could see the dent and the plant juice oozing out of its blotched skin.

 _Fuck…._

The potato rolled and span in a frenzy, spelling out its displeasure.

… _you!_

"Get lost!" Kayneth kicked the potato against the same wall, this time harder, which, Kayneth would later realize, was a colossal mistake.

For Solanum Toberosum started humming, a low primordial hum that terrified even the scariest of beasts, the stuff of nightmares within nightmares. The hum escalated to a shrill, high-pitched ringing , a serrated sound that pierced through Kayneth's eardrums and reached into the depths of his soul.

* * *

Stay tuned for more Solanum Toberosum...Requests or suggestions of what Kayneth will summon next are welcomed. :P


	3. Ch 2: Po-TAY-to, Po-TAH-to

Kayneth covered his ears as Solanum Toberosum's scream screeched across the room. Who knew a mere vegetation could possess such overwhelming rage? He didn't presume the know the emotional spectrum of a vegetable, but he knew that he had to do something before this fucking potato blew out its patchy earthy skin, _and god knows what else._ Despite the absurdity and peril of his current situation, Kayneth did not forget that he was the head of the Archibald family, a proud nine generations, stemmed from an ancient lineage of powerful mages.

"Fervor, mei sanguis," the magus slipped back into his magical groove. It didn't matter what happened, his instinct for battle and strategic decisions was still being activated automatically as the potato threatened his very existence-which was ridiculous, he thought with disdain-to think that he must summon his most powerful weapon against a stupid vegetable.

That was when he realized that something was wrong.

A gust of wind picked up and whirled towards Solanum Toberosum. The enraged potato spun itself into a frenzy, its skin botched and bloated, getting bigger and bigger as cold sweat dripped down from Kayneth's forehead. _Volumen Hydrargyrum was not with him_. It was then when he realized that he had been stripped of all his weapons. He reached inward, gathering magic but sensing none. None. He was stark naked before a voluptuous and rapidly growing vegetable, completely and utterly defenseless.

The potato grew in size, wrapped in thunder and lightning. Kayneth stared as its shadow expanded, and then, before he knew it, it towered before him, and then it toppled itself over, charging at the mage with incredible speed. Its intention: to kill, and to flatten Kayneth from head to toe into a meat pancake.

"What the fuck?" Kayneth exclaimed. Though stripped of his power, he could still sense that nothing much had changed despite the potato's size. "That's it? You just got bigger?"

Solanum Toberosum gave a battle cry, and advanced towards Kayneth.

"THIS IS A DISGRACE TO THE MA-"

But, alas, it was too late. The flabbergasted Kayneth was mercilessly rolled over, and crushed into a human meat pie, blood spluttering from his veins.

* * *

Hey guys! Long time no see. The past few months have been hectic to say the least. But I'm back with a short update on Kayneth's comical sufferings with an enraged potato. Thank you for all the suggestions! I will keep them in mind and see if I can fit them into the story.

It's 2017, can you believe it? 2016 passed by way too quickly...but anyhoo. Happy New Year!

xo

PandaNoodles


	4. Ch 3: A Hairy Situation

That, was a complete ad utterly nightmare, thought Kayneth as soon as regained consciousness. After the initial vertigo and disorientation subsided, Kayneth stood up from the floor-his legs weak and his forehead throbbed with a sharp pain. His experience and vast knowledge of magecraft allowed him to stay relatively calm after he was crushed to death. Though Kayneth no longer panicked and he was not as confused as before, he still wasn't able to quiet the profound rage that seared through his chest even now, fueled by the humiliation he had suffered from being brutally flattened by a gargantuan potato.

Under normal circumstances, he would have effortlessly erected a wall of defense using Volumen Hydrargyrum, and sliced through that monstrous potato with both proficiency and ease. He wouldn't even need to think about it-an abnormally sized potato was not even worthy to be considered his enemy.

Painfully, he remembered how Emiya Kiritsugu shot him with a bullet. Such a crass weapon, against years of his magehood! But there was nothing he could do about it now.

He also remembered that all his magical circuits had been destroyed, and that he could no longer walk. Or that he wasn't supposed to be able to walk. He looked down at his legs, perfectly fine and standing. He could feel the ground beneath his feet as he wiggled his toes in his shoes. Kayneth felt magic pulsing through him, to his surprise, followed by a pang of fear. Did this mean that he was trapped in an illusion, a place of unreality comprised of his wishful thinking?

But no, the panda had said that he was trapped in this karmic loop-and he remembered, with strange clarity, that he had died.

Kayneth placed a hand on his forehead. This was too much. As he did, the summoning circle shone and came back to life.

Kayneth watched in anticipation. After an explosion of light and a whirlwind of smoke, an anticlimatic emptiness resonated before him, like last time. Instinctively, Kayneth looked down, half-expecting to see a brown potato rolling towards his heel, but he didn't see anything.

What was it this time, then? Kayneth looked around and could sense nothing else in the room. Nothing changed.

Except, well. His upper lip was incredibly itchy. He reached for it to scratch it and his eyes widened in horror as his fingers grazed fuzzy, spiky…they felt like tiny thorns on his skin, and then Kayneth felt them elongating towards the sides.

He put both of his hands to his face, tracing the outline of the sudden burst of hair.

What the fuck is this shit!?

Kayneth ran to the bathroom mirror, which cracked as soon as he approached.

"Fuck," the word slumped out of Kayneth's mouth. "WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK."

A busy, thorny, wildly in-grown mustache sat comfortably above his upper lip and waved, yes, actually WAVED at him with little hairy arms.

"''ello," the mustache greeted shyly.

It had a French accent.

"GET OFF OF MY FACE!" Kayneth screamed. Dear God. Kayneth did not want to look again into the mirror to see his reflection. Thank goodness the thing shattered into tiny little pieces. What was on his face was an utter atrocity. Absolutely horrendous. He no longer looked like a classy, British nobleman-he looked like a unshaven barbarian with lascivious face-that-that bush dropping down on both sides of his nose-and it wasn't even blonde, which would match his hair colour. It was black and it was disgusting and it was moving and twitching and WAVING ITS LITTLE MUSTACHE HANDS HELLO.

"I can't," the mustache said apologetically. Kayneth frantically looked for a shaver. The mustache twitched in horror.

"No! You musn't!" it pleaded, and fluffed itself up and folded inwardly towards Kayneth's nostrils. It then went up Kayneth's nostrils to protect itself from its impending doom.

"Guh!" Kayneth sneezed as a bush of hair fought to squeeze its way into his airway. "UGH! GET OUT OF MY NOSE!"

The mustache quivered, and said in a mousy voice. "You promise not to shave me?" It trembled, scraping Kayneth's nose passage back and forth.

Kayneth agreed to not shave the summoned mustache.

But his eyes still darted about for the shaver.


	5. Ch 4:Hair We Go

"Here it is," Kayneth exclaimed as he reached for the shaving knife. The monstrous mustache vibrated and rolled around in terror, climbing further down with its spiky hair-claws-a metal scrub climbing down his airway.

Delirious, Kayneth managed to grab hold of the beard hair that was still firmly rooted on his upper lip. A mustache was a mustache because it was attached to his skin, after all. The frantic bust of hair trembled with rage.

 _You must not do this, monsieur! Mercy! Please have mercy!_

The mage didn't care and proceeded to severe the beard creature with a clean, swift cut.

And found himself struggle to cut through the squirming strands of facial hair that was still clogging his nose. He grunted as he maneuvered the blade violent, a few times almost slicing him in his own face.

Reaching its limit, the mustache screamed, a disturbance filled the air as every hair on Kayneth's body stood up. Literally, stood up-he could feel the static on his skin, the tug at every single one of his pores. With a stream of mad ululations the mustache puffed itself out of Kayneth's nose, knocking the shaving blade from the mage's hand and scratching his palm. As Kayneth caught a glimpse of his reflection in the bathroom mirror, he was left speechless as he saw that his hair-what used to be blonde, slick and smooth-was now a electrocuted haystack shooting off from his skull, pulling themselves towards the sky as if seeking to escape him.

"What is this? What-"

Before he could scream and question further, every single strand of his hair jerked and left his body violently. The British nobleman, the honourable mage of the Archibald family, was instantly plucked clean and his skin was smooth and reddened as a newborn baby's.

Drenched in cold sweat and humiliation, Kayneth tried to regain his composure.

What just happened? What just bloody hell happened?

When Kayneth touched his bare bald head, he shivered at the smoothness of it.

"That ought to teach you a lesson!"

The mustache sat smugly on top of his lip, curling itself upwards, proud of what it had done.

Kayneth's bloodshot eyes looked scary in the mirror.

"What…have you done…to me?"

Without skipping a beat, the mustache answered, "I have taken control over your hair follicles and the growth of the protein filament mass."

"WHAT…THE FUCK…DOES THAT MEAN!?"

"It means…you are now at my mercy…as far as hair growth goes. To repay your cruelty, you will now suffer from this rather…hairy situation."

Kayneth noticed that the mustache was no longer shy and timid. He wondered what could possibly happen next-he no longer had any hair for the mustache to manipulate. How much worse could it get?

The mustache squeezed itself tight, straining and groaning and making epically constipated power-up noises.

Before Kayneth realized what was happening, a burst of hair shot out of his pores, cascading in every direction, filling the room with the thick blonde waves that had exploded out of his body and tore him into pieces.


End file.
